T-Ditz

 Tommy Francis Ditmar. He loves marijuana.  

He can be the grouchiest meanest motherfucker but when he gets his "medicine" he comes alive and transforms into an entertainment machine.  I can honestly say that every moment i spend around him, i'm guaranteed to laugh.  He must be bipolar or something because it's not unusual for him to bitch and moan everyday about how bad he wants to go surfing, but as soon as you take him to the beach he gets this dull look on his face and proclaims,"I'm over it!  We're wasting our fucking time! Let's go home."  

He's the kind of stoner that rations out portions for every time of day.  I can picture him getting one of those pill ration boxes that old people use and being happy that all his problems are over.  The kind of shit that comes out of this kids mouth is unbelievable.  He claims that when he lost his virginity, she came five times to his one......in the back of a motor home.  

His favorite joke goes like this. "How do you spell pussy backwards?"

 "Ssssssslluuurrrrppppppp!"  

  

The funny thing about this kid is his family.  His parents Mitch and Frank, are chain smokers and sit around around all night watching prime-time TV all week.  Ever since i've known him he's always had this deep scratchy voice that sounds like he's passing a kidney stone every time he talks.  He thinks that it happened when his balls dropped but everyone knows it was the secondhand smoke.  

One time i went with him to this girl's house in Seal Beach that he met on LavaLife or something.  We got there and she was watching some movie about cowboys with her mouth open. A minute later, Tommy announced that they were going into her room and that we had better not fuck with any of her parents shit while they were busy.  As soon as the door closed, George and I started ruffling through everything in their beachfront property.  There was a Powerbook sitting on the front table and George opened it up.  He started looking through her files and stumbled on her secret pictures folder, many of which Tommy already had saved on his phone.  This girl had taken the time to do her makeup like a streetwalker and stripped down in front of a mirror to take pictures of herself.  Then she wore these confused-trying-to-look-seductive expressions and snapped away.  

If this chick was respectable in any way, i wouldn't have found any of this funny but fact of the matter is that this chick was broke.  Her boobs were sagging and folded over themselves and her nipples were way off center. Her vag was no better.  Her labia outer was protruding an inch out and was pretty fucking hefty for a female.  

After listening to Tommy rail the shit out of her for an hour and sitting around with nothing to do but go through her parents shit some more.  Tommy opens the bedroom door with a toothy smile and tells us that we should go.  As we are leaving i peek in her room to find her passed out fully nude and sprawled out on the bed. We piled into Tommy's shit green S10 with the "Dune Trash" sticker and get on PCH to head home.   

I don't know why Tommy took us to that girls' house that day.  Even today just mention the word "turkeyneck" to Tommy and he'll smile that same shit-eating grin.  Needless to say, that wasn't the last chick that Tommy hooked up with whom he met online.