This guy??

I'm not going to say who this is.  But i am going to say that my roommate idolizes him.  He literally walks around the house chanting his name and swearing that he's the "dopest fool alive."  Seriously?  If you read about him anywhere you'll see that all he cares about is skateboarding, girls, smoking weed and partying.

damn, maybe he isn't such a bad role model.

M.I.A. Show

So i call up Leonard on Monday to see what's going down for the M.I.A. show at 4th & B.  Turns out that Leonard's place is literally down the street from the venue, so pre-partying/driving ceases to be an issue.  I show up with all my gear and Bri, Leonard and Erica are all hanging out in Leonard's studio getting dressed.  The heat in the room nags and it becomes apparent that getting sweaty just by standing around is inevitable.  Leonard lives in a fucking oven. I think to myself.  Wait....let me introduce Leonard.  Leonard is this guy that i met awhile back that will make you wish you were gay.  He constantly calls everyone a "tranny" and wears the most outlandish gear possible at all times.  (See photo)

A shot of vodka, another shot with a chase and then wash it all down with the Champagne of Beers.  Awww fuck it. Another pair of shots while walking out the door.  We flag down a cab and hop in.  The driver is a stereotypical black Muslim guy that's always on his phone while driving.  He drops us off a block away so Leonard and Erica can go first with his "Meza ID".  Bri and i follow suit and i try to schmooze the door guy while Bri hands him her horribly fake ID.  He nods and smiles. We're in.  You can hear "Bird Flu" bumping and the crowd is alive.  We head straight to the bar and slam a drink.  

Next step, OPERATION: Get to the Front

I grab Bri's hand and make a beeline for a spot near the stage.  Magically, Erica and Len are already there getting down.  M.I.A. fucking kills it by the way.  She's got DJ Low Budget, her back up singer and two gay backup dancers with sunglasses spraying everyone with Super Soakers.  The crowd loves it.  Meanwhile, Erica is getting molested by a group of lezzies in the pit.  A bunch of people rush the stage but none of us made it that far.  Blurry lights mixed with erratic body movements and next thing i realized is that the show is over.  We all meet up outside and have a cigarette before we jump into another cab.  These guys are all from the same mold.  Only this time, the driver's not on his phone.  I sit up front and interrogate him about everything.  Next i ask him how much cash I would have to give him to get him to run over some pedestrians leaving the show.

 5K?........no 

 50K?.....no man 

 200 grand? Cash?.............he smiles. 

(everyone has their price.) 

Next memory i have is that we're at some gay bar and I'm walking around the place trying to make friends with everybody.  I'm talking to some guy named "Warren" and he offers me 4 cigarettes. I don't know why.  We promptly leave after getting creeped out by this guy.

 Next stop is 7-11 on the way home.  Everyone's broke except me.  I've got $5.  Before we buy anything, i hand it to the cashier and he starts picking out things that we could afford.  We leave with 2 hot dogs, some Cheeto puffs and a microwave burrito.  By this time, everyone is fucked up and sleep is starting to sound really good.  Leonard busts open his front door and yells, "We're home Bitches!!!!" (At this time Erica disappears to go find some  love somewhere)  I scramble my things together and head to the bathroom to take a leak and change out of my sweaty button-up and jeans.  As soon as i walk out of the restroom, i see Leonard putting clothes on Bri who thought it would be a good idea to strip down and get naked.  By now it's obvious that Bri is incredibly inebriated.  I conjure up a makeshift bed with a comforter that Leonard hands me.  I'm laying down on the floor and i close my eyes for a while.  Meanwhile, Bri is sitting on the floor hunched over in statue mode.  I peer upward and see the room spinning and then notice Bri.

  "You cool?"

........(weakly) yeah.

Are you sure?  You don't look so well.  Do you need to throw up?

....................

Bri?

............i'm okay.

By now, i'm over it and just want to go to sleep.  I turn over and face away from Bri to get her out of my mind.  Everything goes black.  Fast-forward one hour and i roll over in my sleep to discover that I'm laying in a pile of Bri's puke.  My first thought while looking at these chunks of undigested hot dog is that Bri doesn't chew enough.  I wake her up and start cleaning her vomit and put the food in the bathtub with a towel.  There's a huge wet stain on our comforter and now we get to sleep on the bare floor.  I fall asleep.

It's 6:30 AM and Erica wakes up to find that we used her shower towel to clean up the puke.  I wake up to find myself next to Bri who's wrapped up in the soiled comforter.  Fuck it, i grab some too.  By now everyone is more or less awake and laughing at what happened.  Only Bri's not laughing.

 "I didn't do that.  If i puke, i puke in the toilet.  You don't understand.  I don't DO things like that."  

Dreary eyed, i watch as Leonard, Bri and Erica get dressed to go to school or work or whatever.  I climb into Leonard's über comfortable bed and try to get some more rest.  Everyone's gone and i'm alone in Leonard's studio.  Upon waking, my first thought is that i can walk around naked.  Which i do.  I take a shower and shuffle through Leonard's hair products.  I find one that looks interesting and open it.  I squeeze the bottle and see some shit in my hand that reminds of the time i discovered masturbation.  Brush my teeth, turn off the fan and lock the door.  Off to school to start my day.

T-Ditz

 Tommy Francis Ditmar. He loves marijuana.  

He can be the grouchiest meanest motherfucker but when he gets his "medicine" he comes alive and transforms into an entertainment machine.  I can honestly say that every moment i spend around him, i'm guaranteed to laugh.  He must be bipolar or something because it's not unusual for him to bitch and moan everyday about how bad he wants to go surfing, but as soon as you take him to the beach he gets this dull look on his face and proclaims,"I'm over it!  We're wasting our fucking time! Let's go home."  

He's the kind of stoner that rations out portions for every time of day.  I can picture him getting one of those pill ration boxes that old people use and being happy that all his problems are over.  The kind of shit that comes out of this kids mouth is unbelievable.  He claims that when he lost his virginity, she came five times to his one......in the back of a motor home.  

His favorite joke goes like this. "How do you spell pussy backwards?"

 "Ssssssslluuurrrrppppppp!"  

  

The funny thing about this kid is his family.  His parents Mitch and Frank, are chain smokers and sit around around all night watching prime-time TV all week.  Ever since i've known him he's always had this deep scratchy voice that sounds like he's passing a kidney stone every time he talks.  He thinks that it happened when his balls dropped but everyone knows it was the secondhand smoke.  

One time i went with him to this girl's house in Seal Beach that he met on LavaLife or something.  We got there and she was watching some movie about cowboys with her mouth open. A minute later, Tommy announced that they were going into her room and that we had better not fuck with any of her parents shit while they were busy.  As soon as the door closed, George and I started ruffling through everything in their beachfront property.  There was a Powerbook sitting on the front table and George opened it up.  He started looking through her files and stumbled on her secret pictures folder, many of which Tommy already had saved on his phone.  This girl had taken the time to do her makeup like a streetwalker and stripped down in front of a mirror to take pictures of herself.  Then she wore these confused-trying-to-look-seductive expressions and snapped away.  

If this chick was respectable in any way, i wouldn't have found any of this funny but fact of the matter is that this chick was broke.  Her boobs were sagging and folded over themselves and her nipples were way off center. Her vag was no better.  Her labia outer was protruding an inch out and was pretty fucking hefty for a female.  

After listening to Tommy rail the shit out of her for an hour and sitting around with nothing to do but go through her parents shit some more.  Tommy opens the bedroom door with a toothy smile and tells us that we should go.  As we are leaving i peek in her room to find her passed out fully nude and sprawled out on the bed. We piled into Tommy's shit green S10 with the "Dune Trash" sticker and get on PCH to head home.   

I don't know why Tommy took us to that girls' house that day.  Even today just mention the word "turkeyneck" to Tommy and he'll smile that same shit-eating grin.  Needless to say, that wasn't the last chick that Tommy hooked up with whom he met online.